Update: March 11. 2018
The Confidence you have grown to love is continually evolving. As I am going through the painful and necessary metamorphosis in my ascent to full manifestation, I always take a moment to reach back and thank the woman I was for the work she did to allow me to blossom and become. I am so grateful for this lesson. It saved my life thirteen years ago and many more times since. I wish you freedom. If you are still hanging on to what doesn’t serve you, let’s revisit letting go.
Journal Entry  3:24AM
October 25, 2005
I saw a special on Animal Planet called Heart of a Lioness. A lioness, named Camanyak (blessed one), lost her entire pride. She managed to survive alone but developed a strange habit. She kept kidnapping calves of other species and adopting them as if they were her cubs. She was unable to feed the animals because they were all so young that they could only digest their mothers milk.
I watched completely astonished at this totally unnatural occurrence. Camanyak was holding a baby antelope hostage. The calf was starving but Camanyak wouldn’t let it go. When one calf met its demise she would capture another one and repeat the cycle. She wouldn’t let the baby antelope out of her sight, even though they were both clearly starving to death. She would not eat the antelope and refused to hunt. The situation was critical and neither of them could last much longer. The narrator was so afraid Camanyak would die that she laid out fresh meat, but the lioness still refused to eat. A lioness without the will to live is a tragic sight. She never recovered from losing her pride(that speaks volumes) and was willing to cling to anything that would end her solitude. The story of my life played out in the animal king…yikes.
When life experiences leave us broken and uncovered, we often form unhealthy relationships to cope with the trauma, and live in denial until we self destruct. Some of us had hard heads and soft asses, I wont call you out. I’m just peeking at my mirror. These unnatural attachments will strip you of your pride, peace and purposefulness if you do not sever them. What have you allowed to diminish your divinity and rob you of your self worth? Who or what are you clinging to that doesn’t meet your needs?
I remember when I watched this documentary, my toxic relationship was in the throes of death. It was sucking the life out of me and if the dysfunction magnified it was certain to kill him. (I meant that)I made excuses for his behavior and loved myself less every time. Neither of us was interested in living in truth and we were spiritually starving to death. My friends were afraid for me, but I couldn’t see what was happening.
Camanyak was too weak to fight when a lion ambushed her. She escaped and watched helplessly from a distance as the lion ate the baby antelope. Creation was trying to restore order. This is where we usually interfere and try to resuscitate something that needed to die. Camanyak kidnapped five more calves. The first starved to death, two escaped, another was killed by a lion. The last was found abandoned and Camanyak was never seen again. Villagers believe she died of grief. Some of us drug all kinds of stray hoes and misfits into our lives, held on for dear life, and damn near died when the universe tried to set you free. I want to believe that Camanyak suddenly had an epiphany, said this foolishness is for the birds, and started a new life. A girl can dream.
I understand Camanyak all to well, as I’m sure many of you will. I stayed in my foolishness because he offered me financial security. I never had someone take care of me. It was the first time in my life that I had an emergency contact that would actually show up, any and every time I called. He did over and over again. I was so obsessed with clinging to what I could get from that dead relationship that I didn’t realize what it was taking from me. What do you do when the only one that’s got your back is trying to break it? Leave. If I hadn’t stopped to count up the cost, I would have paid with my life.
What destructive, fruitless situations or people are you clinging to? What painful wounds have you allowed to go untreated? How many times have you duplicated the same negative cycle?
Recognizing the problem is easy. Doing whatever it takes to bring peace and prosperity into your life, will require you to dig deep. I buried that massive failure in 2007 and moved forward. I felt the need to revisit my journal for support after spending all of April and May saying goodbye to people and things that no longer align with my purpose or encourage my progress. I haven’t been this peaceful, prosperous or successful ever. My sacrifices have surrounded me with supportive, productive friends who will ride with me whether I am in the busted out Buick or a stretch Limo. Don’t be afraid to release what you have, to make room for what you need. In a nutshell, if you hang on to unhealthy people and circumstances too long they will sabotage your future. I think you better let it go…
This book really helped me this month, you should read it.
Peace from Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant
Only Confidence